The Happiness Project

Sometimes You Catch More Than Fish

2010-10-28T20:05:00.000-07:00

I had a realization today. Sometimes, when you put your net in the water, you catch something you don't want.

That actually happens to me pretty frequently. It's like when you wear a velcro suit, lots of stuff ends up sticking to you.

In the past, I have react to catching stuff in my net that I wasn't fishing for by assuming I have to keep the stuff. It's stuff I don't want. It's often stuff that makes me feel bad.

But today it occurred to me that I could throw it back.

I also started to realize that just because you catch something with your net, it doesn't really have anything to do with you. Another good realization.

So I am going to try to start separating myself from what I catch. I am going to try taking off the velcro suit. I am going to start to practice asking myself, about each item in my net: do I want this? Is this what I was trying to catch?

Love

2010-10-28T17:49:00.000-07:00

I have not been lucky in love.

I have deeply loved men who show very little interest in me. The man who showed the most long-term, consistent interest in me was someone I was with in the late eighties and early nineties. That is a long time ago. Too long.

One time in my life--fairly recently--I experienced love the way it is portrayed in the movies. I was about 41 and it was the first time I had ever felt anything like it. It was an amazing experience, and transformational. I spent almost ten years in my life completely withdrawn from romance. But being loved a few years ago really made me want love in my life. It is now one of my main goals in life.

Here's the thing. A friend of mine posted a Facebook status update the other day. It said:

"My most successful romantic relationships with guys have shared one thing in common: They really liked me and I really like me."

That made me laugh. But it also got me thinking.

A couple of years ago, I was deciding to end my 9 year moratorium on romance. I started by speaking to my therapist. I asked for his help in learning how to pick better men. (In the past, I have picked horrible men. The least damaging one was emotionally unavailable although he remained in intimate relationship with me for about ten solid years. The man who liked me best in my life was physically abusive. Let me say it again: I pick horrible men.) So I went to my therapist, because I clearly need help learning how to pick better men. When I talked to my therapist about this, he said "no."

However, he went on to say that isn't how it works. He explained that you don't "pick" people. You simply draw to you people who agree with you about yourself.

That was a VERY revolutionary thing to learn. My therapist said that if I wanted to have better men in my life, that I needed to love myself. Because only then would I attract men who love me.

Wow. Huge news. If only someone would have explained this to me when I was 13. !!!

I immediately started a blog post where everyday I posted something to the list that I loved about myself. After about two months of doing this, love came into my life. A love that took my breath away. A deep love, unlike anything I had ever experienced. A love that changed my life.

But I made a mistake. I felt I had learned to love myself and so I stopped my blog post. And now...almost two years later...after that amazing love I experienced when I was 41 has disappeared and after I have spent almost a year consumed by a deep and abiding self-hatred, it seems like it is long past time to take up the learning to love myself project yet again.

This, I offer my deep thanks to Ryan Klute for posting that status update. As well as heartfelt gratitude to my miracle-worker former therapist Dale Rhodes for explaining how to have better, more loving men in my life.

I will get right on it boys. :)

An Aha Moment

2010-10-28T16:46:00.000-07:00

One of my worst qualities is that I consistently put my happiness somewhere external. I say to myself, "I will be happy when I get all the work done", or "I will be happy when this boy loves me."

As a result of that behavior, I waste the majority of my days--not living in the moment, not building happiness right where I stand--but waiting. Waiting to be done with work. Waiting to be loved.

And I am running out of days to waste. I have lived 15,695 days. If I live to be as old as my grandmother, I only have about 15,695 days left. I can't do anything about the days I have wasted. But I can be more careful with my days from now on. I can live intentionally.

I imagine I will be bad at this at first. But it seems like I have to try. And it seems like I will get better at it if I keep trying a little each day.

But no matter what, I know one thing. I don't want to wait anymore. This is my life. There are lots of things I want to change. But I am smart and blessed and talented and waiting for my fairy godmother to bibbidi bobbidi boo my life is a horrible way to waste time.

If I was wasting time and was happy, it would be one thing. But I am miserable.

So, here is the truth. I can be better than I am being.

The saying goes that "a misty morning does not signify a cloudy day." It may have been raining for the last 15,695 days. But the sun will come out tomorrow.

Personal Commandments

2010-10-28T16:04:00.000-07:00

The next step Gretchen took was to identify some overarching principles, that, if she reminded herself of them often, would help her as she struggled to keep her resolutions.

You can see Gretchen's Personal Commandments on the left side of her blog.

Gretchen did not share how she came up with these commandments. From reading them, I think they are a collection of

things she has learned and fully believes, but has to remind herself of, and
advice about things that are against her nature, that is, advice that cautions against her natural instincts.

In this blog post, I will attempt to make a brainstorm-y list in those three categories.

Things I Believe But Need Reminding Of

Always do the right thing. You may not get ahead or receive a reward. But another set of books is being kept.
Better to be kind and optimistic and taken advantage of than to be stingy and pessimistic and always safe.

Work Against Your Instincts

Refrain from judgment.
Assume the best case scenario.
Never react right away. Wait. Sleep on it. Seek a perspective not your own. You are prone to haste and misunderstanding.
Take a break. Working straight through is not effective.
Deeply upset? Take a shower, go tanning, get out of the house. If you have done been out of the house for two hours and things haven't improved, set whatever is upsetting you aside until the morning.
Abandonment is not imminent.

I may add to this list as things come to me. This is just a few minutes worth of brainstorming.

Blogging About The Book: Getting Started (The Realization)

2010-10-25T06:11:00.000-07:00

I have been reading Gretchen Rubin 's The Happiness Project blog for a couple of years. It is, hands down, the most helpful blog I have ever found. I have visited many other blogs, often at Gretchen's suggestion, but while I agree that those other blogs are nice, Gretchen's is the only blog I return to, day after day, always inspired by what find there. I think Gretchen must be on my wavelength.

Gretchen released a book about her happiness project almost a year ago now. And although I bought it immediately, I admit, I didn't ever actually read it. Yesterday I was going to dinner alone and I wanted to bring a book with me. Out of the blue, I finally seemed in the mood to read Gretchen's book. So I took it with me to dinner. And wow! I read the first chapter (Getting Started) and part of the second. I say this kind of thing a lot, but I feel like reading just that one chapter changed my life.

Almost daily, at her blog, Gretchen recounts her journey to try and be happier. Her blog is full of helpful tips, things she is trying, approaches. But her book explains why she started the process in the first place and how she put into place some of the foundations of her happiness project. For example, in the first chapter she described being at a place in her life I am also often in:

"But though at times I felt dissatisfied, that something was missing, I also never forgot how fortunate I was. ...I had everything I could possibly want--yet I was failing to appreciate it. Bogged down in petty complaints and passing crises, weary of struggling with my own nature, I often failed to comprehend the splendor of what I had. I didn't want to keep taking these days for granted. The words of the writer Colette had haunted me for years: 'What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner.' I didn't want to look back, at the end of my life or after some great catastrophe, and think, 'How happy I used to be then, if only I'd realized it.' "

As it turned out, reading about the why and foundational how of her project was exactly what I needed!

Like Gretchen, I worry about not noticing my blessings enough. Like Gretchen I often get so caught up in life's daily crises that I miss life's daily blessings and miracles. As I sat at Red Robin, eating my favorite salad, I, like Gretchen, resolved to try and change that. I resolved to do what I could to try and be happier, to try and be more aware of what was all around me already that would make me happy if I would just focus on it.

September 7 2010: Leave Social Networks Behind

2010-09-14T18:54:00.000-07:00

It's been a week since I stopped spending time every day reading the news feed of a social networking site.

I can't tell you how much my life has improved.

I joined Facebook in the fall of 2007 at the request of my cousin and an ex-boyfriend. As a highly social person, I have had a lot of fun on Facebook.

But when I got a job running a national grant (and thus working from home), and thus, my daily contact with humans lessened drastically, I began to meet my considerable social needs (I am a pretty extreme extrovert) through Facebook and Twitter.

Don't get me wrong. I think Facebook and Twitter are good for some things. They are not evil. I am not against them.

But I have been relying on them exclusively to meet my social needs. And they suck at that. Facebook has made me cry, it has threatened the welfare of romantic relationships, and it has--on an almost daily basis--hurt my feelings. But as much as those are good reasons to quit doing anything, those are not the reasons I quit visiting Facebook.

I quit visiting Facebook because in visiting Facebook I was like the frog in the big pot of water:

"The boiling frog story is a widespread anecdote describing a frog slowly being boiled alive. The premise is that if a frog is placed in boiling water, it will jump out, but if it is placed in cold water that is slowly heated, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death. The story is often used as a metaphor for the inability of people to react to significant changes that occur gradually."
from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boiling_frog

Facebook kept me from noticing the social emptiness of my life, the proverbial slowly building to a boil water. Facebook gave me something to pay constant attention to that seemed social and it kept my attention while I slowly died a slow death due to lack of social interaction.

Quitting Facebook hasn't made my life magically filled with real social interaction. But it has revealed to me what my real life is like. Which is the first step in changing my life.

It has also removed a lot of drama from my life, which is really helpful. I am not very skilled at dealing with drama. So having all that disappear has made me a lot happier just because of the absence of it.

So, the lesson of Tuesday September 7 2010 is: Have as much of your life as possible happen in person. Cut out as much as possible that is electronic or virtual. It has increased my happiness by probably more than 50%. Stunning.

August 21, 2010: Wait

2010-08-22T05:52:00.000-07:00

My initial reaction to things is bad. I over-react. When I first learn bad news or even when someone does something small that hurts me, my reaction is huge, inappropriate, and catastrophizes the situation.

One thing I am starting to learn is that I need to wait. I need to intellectually understand that my reactions are not helpful and impose a waiting period for myself.

I have found that three hours would be good but sleeping on it would be even more helpful.

But whatever I think I should do in that first few hours--and I usually feel very strongly about what I should do--is definitely the wrong thing to do and I will sorry.

So, the lesson of Saturday August 21, 2010 is: wait. Sleep on it. "Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools." (Ecclesiastes 7:9)

12 Monday August 2, 2010: Accept reality

2010-08-07T10:51:00.001-07:00

Something happened on Monday that has been coming for a long time.

It was bad and I just accepted it.

This bad thing had happened before. But I had never accepted it before. I had fought it. I had begged for it to not happened. I had bargained for it to not happen.

Not this time. I have no idea what had changed. But I accepted the bad thing.

I feel it was a sign of incredible growth on my part.

And I think things may have been slightly easier since I accepted reality instead of fighting it tooth and nail.

And that is the lesson of Monday August 2, 2010: Accept reality. You can no more change reality than you can hold back a river from its course.

Happiness Commandments

2010-07-31T19:46:00.001-07:00

Here is what I have learned so far from writing this blog about how to be happy:

11 Tuesday July 27 2010: Things are not what they seem

2010-07-31T19:19:00.001-07:00

I was very upset today by what I thought was someone not acknowledging something nice I did for them.

And then, you know what I found?

They *had* acknowledged it. Just in a place I hadn't looked.

So all that time I was being upset because of being treated poorly, I was actually being treated well but I couldn't see it.

So the lesson of Tuesday July 27, 2010 is: Things are NOT what they seem.

10 Thursday July 29, 2010: Just do it

2010-07-31T19:13:00.000-07:00

I have been learning that I tend to overestimate how long a task will take. I also tend to think the task will be way harder than it ever ends up being. Both of those habits, both of those perspectives often result in my putting off tasks I perceive as big or hard.

Funny enough, when I actually buckle down and do the big, hard task, I often find it to be both easy and to take about 13 minutes.

Big lesson.

That lesson came into sharp relief on Thursday when I finally just cracked down and accomplished a bunch of tasks I had been putting off. And boy howdy did that make me happy.

So the lesson of Thursday July 29, 2010: Wanna be happy? Just do it.

9 Friday July 30, 2010: Movies are the reset button

2010-07-30T15:05:00.000-07:00

I am under a lot of work pressure of late. I have taken on way too many projects and I am way behind. As a result, I feel I should work every minute I am awake.

But I have had a big house project I have been trying to get done and the undone state of it--scattered all over my living was bringing me down. Since I work at home, I decided that I would use two hours this morning when I first got up to clean up that project and take back my living room.

Well, I worked on it for two and half hours and got very little accomplished. I felt worse than when I started because I felt I had wasted a bunch of time and had nothing to show for it. My mood darkened.

And then my mood and outlook got so bad that I didn't know how to proceed. Didn't know what work project to take on, didn't know how to push the reset button on my day.

Finally I gave up and decided to watch a movie. Mostly that didn't work until I happened on the idea of re-watching the interview Robert Downey Jr. did on Oprah once he kicked his drug habit for good. I was in the middle of doing that when I had an unexpected visit from a friend.

I think both those things--Robert Downey Jr.'s down-to-earth optimism and the motivation of having someone actually see my house in it undone state, for some odd reason buoyed my mood and I spent another three plus hours really digging into my living room.

But this time I made progress. I got a bunch of things gone through and I didn't quit til I felt really good about what I accomplished. Then I took another shower to wash the cleaning grime off of me and now, here it is, Friday night and I feel like I am in a much better place. A hopeful place. A place where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And that is great, because I feel like I am at a turning point in my life. A crossroads where everything could change and I could be starting a new and very happy and peaceful and rewarding phase in my life. My afternoon cleaning feels like a first step that makes that new life possible. And I can't wait to keep going.

So...that was a long and rambly tale, but the lesson of Friday July 30, 2010 is: In a bad mood? Can't shake it? Give up completely. Brush everything off the table and watch movies and other media until you find something that changes your mood. Then start anew.

And stop worrying about time. Matthew 6:27 says "And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?" Good question. Focus on what's important: perspective, state of mind, outlook. The rest will take care of itself as it flows from those more basic things. Being centered, being who you are, being happy is the key to all other good deeds.

8 Wednesday July 28, 2010: Be who you are

2010-07-30T15:00:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday I took a big risk. I spoke my truth. And I did it in situation that gave me no encouragement. But I stood my ground. I was honest, although terrified.

And you know what happened?

It worked. I got a way better result than I would have thought.

Also, next time, I will have more courage.

So the lesson of Wednesday July 28, 2010 is: You can only be who you are. Stop putting it off. Live your truth. Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes. It is tiring to try and be someone else. So give up the charade and be who you are.

7 Monday July 26 2010: A Cleaning Meditation

2010-07-29T07:12:00.000-07:00

I clean a friends house a couple of days every week if I am lucky. These are my favorite days of the week. I would clean every day if I could.

Sounds crazy, right? Why would I volunteer to clean someone else's house? And why, even if I was crazy enough to do that, would those be my favorite days?

I have given a great deal of thought to those questions.

And here is what I have come up with. My life is not what I want it to be. So many areas of my life are such a big mess. And I have tried, for 8 months, to fix them. I have worked harder than I have ever worked at anything in my life trying to fix my life. Doesn't seem to matter. Nothing I do seems to help.

* * *

I started out volunteering to clean for my friend to try and do something nice for someone who is also facing some troubles. But you know what I found, almost immediately? I found that no matter how much my friend likes having a clean house, I like getting the house clean WAY better. I am, for sure, getting the better end of the deal.

When I am cleaning, it's like everything else falls away. When I am scrubbing the bathtub, sweat dripping off me I am working so hard, I am not thinking of my own troubles at all. Blessed peace.

Its like a Zen experience.

And when I leave, I have taken one tiny corner of the world and put it in order. As I walk out of the door, there is no better feeling in my life than that moment--leaving a place better than I found it.

It's like an object lesson: I seem to have a feeling of hope in my heart as I clean. As tho, perhaps, if I can put things in order in one space for someone else, then perhaps I can put my own life in order for myself.

I go back, week after week, getting more hope each time, bringing a little more order home with me.

So the lesson of Monday July 26, 2010 is: Unhappy? Bring a little physical order to one space. The cleaning meditation will clear your head, perhaps the peace you get will allow you to solve your own, bigger problems. But even if your real problems don't get solved, the order you bring and the clean meditation you experience, will bring true happiness.

6 Sunday July 25 2010: Boundaries

2010-07-28T09:22:00.000-07:00

Sunday was a very bad day for me. My solution was to buy a book. I often seek help from books.

I bought a good book (Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life). And as I read on Sunday, some of the hope came back.

The book called for journaling at the end of each chapter and directed readers to pick their favorite journal and devote the journal for use only with the book. I obediently picked my favorite journal (a large--8.5x11 at least--water color paper blank journal) and my favorite fountain pens and began journaling.

I hadn't gotten five sentences down when I knew it wasn't working.

I got up and found a journal that was years old whose pages were filled with graph paper. And I got some gel ink pens and started over. And what do you know? It worked. I liked journaling in that medium better because, as I wrote there were boundaries all around me. The paper itself made me write carefully, forming letters mindfully. It was as though the physical act of writing was different, and seemed like a meditation in and of itself.

It was a little tiny gift in a bad day. A wee miracle just for me.

So the lesson of Sunday July 25, 2010 is that when things are falling apart, stop, start over, and do even the little things purposefully. Seek boundaries in even the smallest things in your life and a large structure that brings happiness will appear.

5 Thursday July 22 2010: "Remember the great adversity of art or anything else is a hurried life." ~ Robert James Waller

2010-07-25T09:06:00.000-07:00

On Thursday I missed a plane for the first time in my life.

I travel a lot for work. I would like to travel more. I like traveling. And I am very very good at it.

But not this trip. This trip, everything went wrong. This wrongness all culminated in me missing my plane.

It is like everything about this trip was a big neon sign that said, "Stop trying to wing it. In fact, just stop altogether. Stop and sit down. Breathe. Reflect. You are good, but lately you have been winging your whole life. Not just one class or one presentation or one meeting. You have been winging everything. Winging it is for rare occasions. And you are good enough to wing things from time to time. But in winging everything, you are missing your life. The gift of life is in daily mastery. The gift of life is slicing carrots or shaving your legs. Life is all the little things. So stop. Get quiet. And then get up and start again, living in each moment. Do the work of each moment. Life your life. Get your shit together."

The sign went on to say, "Be real. Be a person who has to take time every day to be. You are not a machine. Stop trying to be one. Be who you are. You are, like all other humans, not just talented, not just an incredible worker. You are also silly, you laugh, you are moved by beauty, you have a million idiosyncratic tendencies that are completely adorable. You are a human. Stop wishing that away. Not many are given the gift. Stop wasting it."

Reminded me of my favorite quote from Hook:

"Your children love you, they want to play with you. How long do you think that lasts? Soon Jack may not even want you to come to his games. We have a few special years with our children, when they're the ones that want us around. After that you're going to be running after them for a bit of attention. It's so fast Peter. It's a few years, and it's over. And you are not being careful. And you are missing it."

On Thursday I realized that I am not being careful. I realized that I am missing it.

So the lesson of Thursday July 22 2010 is: Stop hurrying through your life. Slow down. You are a human, not a machine and, as such, you are subject to the laws that govern all humans. Be more careful.

4 Wednesday July 21 2010: “Please secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others.”

2010-07-25T08:18:00.000-07:00

"If you put a small value on yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price."

Since I moved to Minnesota, my life has been a paradox. On the one hand, I have never been so happy living somewhere. Almost every day, as I am driving, I am overcome with bliss at the landscape or the weather or the scent of the air. I love it here and I am so happy that I live here.

On the other hand, many of the worst days of my life have happened in the last 8 months.

Wednesday was one of those days.

So far, in my return to this blog, I have written about things I could do, experiences I could seek, that will bring happiness. I have based these declarations on things that have brought happiness in the past. Today, however, I will be writing about things I should avoid doing because if I do them, they will bring UNhappiness:

I have spent over a year making a series of choices that declared to the world that I am not important, my needs do not exist, that others are more important than me.

On Wednesday, I had an experience that brought those choices into sharp relief. When I look back on Wednesday, I think what happened is that some small part of me finally rebelled and said, "Enough. I can no longer be treated this way."

It was ugly.

And I hate ugliness between people. I have a soft heart. I want reconciliation. I hate anger. I think anger is not a real emotion. I think it covers up the real emotion. When I am angry, it is often because I deeply hurt. So, to me, its more helpful to be honest about the hurt and skip the anger.

Looking back, it would have been far less painful if, way back over a year ago, I would have just stood up for myself instead of putting someone else first.

But that is not what happened, so Wednesday, there was an relationship explosion and now there is shrapnel everywhere.

So the lesson of Wednesday July 21, 2010 is: Every day you can make the choice to be happy by putting yourself and your own needs first. Whatever short term happiness you will get by putting someone else first will, I guarantee you, explode in your face in the long run. And no one is happy in an explosion.

3 Monday July 19 2010: Fresh Air

2010-07-24T05:13:00.000-07:00

On Monday July 19 2010, I spent the afternoon giving a pre-conference workshop. That happened at the Seaport World Trade Center in Boston. A lovely facility, it is, of course, air conditioned. But unlike most hotels where educational conferences are usually held, The Seaport World Trade Center in Boston seems like its actually built within a historical pier building. And you know that meant? It meant each room with a window had sliding glass doors that opened onto decks overlooking the ocean.

Incredible.

During a break in our pre-conference workshop, I bravely open the sliding glass door. And all of sudden there was a breeze in our room. Humidity leavened the dry air-conditioned conference air.

Bliss.

It was a theme for me this trip, in which I identified my love of fresh air and the restorative powers it has for me.

It happened on the taxi ride home too. It had been an awful day and I instinctively asked the taxi driver if we could drive with the windows down. It made the long taxi ride bearable.

So the lesson of Monday July 19, 2010 is: Unhappy? Get some fresh air.

2 Tuesday July 20 2010: "Know, first, who you are, and then adorn yourself accordingly." - Epictetus

2010-07-23T16:08:00.000-07:00

This past week I was in Boston. I travel a lot for work, which I really enjoy. But this trip, I did everything wrong. I packed wrong, I left things at home I needed. I brought the wrong clothes. I wore things in the wrong order. Literally everything felt wrong and went wrong.

By the third day, I couldn't take it anymore. Things were so out of sorts that, out of desperation, I just followed my intuition...to the mall. From there, I let my intuition lead me to buy a few items. I am not sure why these items solved my problems for me, but they really really did. And since this is a happiness project, I am going to attempt to guess why these items brought happiness, or at least write about them in order to explore why they might have been able to help:

I bought tee shirts called "A Soft and Slouchy Tee." Even the name of this tee makes me feel better. Its soothing. (I actually find tee shirts soothing. Which I suppose sounds weird. But some tees feel way softer than others. And its like when I have them on, everything else falls away and I can be myself. Its like tee shirts quiet my mind and allow me to quit fussing with my clothes and just be who I am.)

I feel like a skill we all should be taught in school (and definitely need to learn asap) is how to tell, immediately, which clothes we love and can be ourselves in and which ones will always feel like a ruse no matter what happens. I am thinking of setting a goal that by the time I have lived my entire 44th year, I will own only clothes I love being in, clothes that allow me to be myself, clothes that do what these tee shirts do. Seems like, if I met that goal, it would automatically eliminate many unhappy situations and automatically add big happiness to every day.

I also bought a pair of pants. I had brought all skirts with me to conference, save one pair of capris. I had washed the capris once already in order to wear them again, and would end up doing it again before I left. The rigors of the days in Boston required pants.

The pants I bought are also soft. But its the leg of these pants that seemed magical to me. The pants are tremendously wide-legged and I think the swooshing they make against my legs when I walk reminds me, I think, to stay in my body instead of always being so in my head.

(That is my journey lately.) (I actually think its been something I have needed to do since 1992 and possibly before, but I have realized it is my journey now.) I got an email today that said: "Be still, Wende. Stop thinking. Feel. Take action. Visualize. Repeat.*" Great advice for me.

I think utilitarian clothes (which is what I have been wearing since 1996) enable me to stay in my head. But pretty clothes, clothes that move softly against you when you walk, clothes that are lovely and bright colors...those clothes...well it seems to me that these clothes help me unite my body and my mind. And that unification seems to wash my cares away almost as well as water does.

The last thing I bought on my intuitive shopping trip was some jewelry. Here's the weird thing, I had no intention of buying jewelry when I walked into the mall. And once I saw the jewelry, I bought it specifically in order to never take it off.

(I bought it at J. Jill. I have a lot of clothes from J. Jill. And I have some jewelry from there.)

Jewelry and I have an interesting history. For years I bought no jewelry and wore no jewelry. (I have very specific taste in jewelry. Its very simple. And over the years, I had a very hard time finding jewelry I liked, so I stopped looking for it and stopped wearing it.)

It wasn't until I had a friend, years later, who designed and created jewelry that I started paying attention to jewelry again. When my friend Melissa could make jewelry that I liked, I began paying attention to jewelry and now, thanks to Melissa, I have quite a bit of jewelry--especially for a girl who didn't own any for so long. (Melissa will design jewelry for you too! Follow the above link to her Etsy shop and contact her with your specific jewelry needs.)

But all my jewelry is very conservative. Its classic. Nothing too big. Nothing too flashy--I wear a lot of pearls. I buy jewelry that is in keeping with the conservative, Kennedy-esque lakeside suburb I grew up near. Jewelry that fits with the conservative clothes I learned to love by growing up there. As it turns out, you can take the girl out of Minnetonka, but you can't take the Minnetonka out of the girl.

The pieces I bought in Boston are small and brushed silver. Dainty even. They will go with everything. They are unobtrusive. And they have a sort of quiet charm. They could also be worn with other pieces.

I seriously plan to not ever take them off. I sleep in them. I shower in them.

I think I was drawn to pieces that are slight and classic and that go with everything, pieces that I could wear all the time because I was looking for an anchor of sorts.

You don't take a boat out without an anchor.

For so much of the time during the last eight months I have felt just utterly lost. I have felt like I have lost myself. I felt like I was a boat with no anchor, lost on a stormy sea.

I think I wanted to have pieces I could wear that served as representatives of who I am. I think I wanted them so that I could have an indicator of my identity that I could touch and feel and look at. I wanted something that I wouldn't ever lose, so that when it gets so foggy out on the water, when storms come, I have something I can hang onto, an anchor, so that I won't ever again forget who I am again.

Mark: Why do you wear a compass around your neck?
Reggie: So I'll never lose my way again.
- The Client

So far, it seems to be working. Intuitive shopping...who knew?

The happiness lessons of Tuesday July 20, 2010 seem to be:

Only wear clothes you love...clothes you can be yourself in. Figure out what qualities those clothes share so you can clear the closet of all other pieces and so that you can buy wisely in the future.
Wear clothes that help you stay in your body. Its easy to be in your head. Let clothes do some of the work of reminding you to be in your body.
Jewelry can serve as a reminder of life lessons you are apt to forget. Take advantage of jewelry that can remind of you what you want to remember.

* If you would like to get very inspirational daily emails too, go to tut.com. I highly recommend it.

1 Sunday July 18 2010: Water

2010-07-21T08:07:00.000-07:00

My birthday is July 17 2010. The first day after that, I flew to Boston for a conference. The hotel and the world trade center where the conference was held was right on the harbor in Boston.

One thing I noticed, as I checked in after a very unpleasant journey was how much water improved my mood...made me happier. I had a room overlooking the water and that brought a sense of slowing down and peace to my day.

My astrological sign is cancer, a water sign:

"Water signs are attuned to waves of emotion, and often seem to have a built-in sonar for reading a mood. This gives them a special sensitivity in relationships, knowing when to show warmth and when to hold back. At their best, they are a healing force that brings people together. Water signs are tuned into the many shades of meaning in relationships, and at times can absorb 'vibes' from others. They have to work harder than other elements to maintain their personal boundaries."

Also, after I checked into my room with a view, I took both a bath and a shower and the water definitely washed away my cares.

I then ate dinner at a restaurant overlooking the ocean.

So the lesson of Sunday July 18, 2010 seems to be: Unhappy? Water is the path to happiness.

Get Happy

2009-11-13T07:44:00.000-08:00

Posts to this blog have been delayed.
This post should have been published Thursday November 12 2009.

I have mentioned happier.com on this blog before. I always do so hesitantly, since its a pay site, but since I registered (free) I get daily emails. Also, today I was sent a link that let me, as a registrant, take a free test to see how optimistic I am. It was hard but rewarding.

Research shows that optimistic people do better on almost every measure: health, longevity, happiness. So I am happy to be more optimistic than pessimistic (62% optimist), but will work on increasing my optimism because I know that will help me get happy*.*Most days on this blog, my song titles are just unobtrusive little links. But today, the song title is such a good one, that I suggest you go watch the video and see if it doesn't help you get happy too.

The Legend of Bagger Vance

2009-11-10T16:07:00.000-08:00

Posts to this blog have been delayed.
This post should have been published Monday November 9 2009.

For today's post, I watched my latest movie obsession (The Legend of Bagger Vance) and recorded all the Happiness Lessons I could from it. You can listen to the theme as you read:

Sometimes magical experiences from your childhood stay with you your whole life.
Strong personal determination is often unstoppable.
When someone who is like you succeeds, it is almost as encouraging succeeding yourself.
Success and hope are contagious.
Being brave pays off.
Sometimes you do good things that you couldn't motivate yourself to do, but you do them for other people. That's one of the best things about humanity.
"Inside each and every one of us is one true authentic swing... Somethin' we was born with... Somethin' that's ours and ours alone... Somethin' that can't be taught to ya or learned... Somethin' that got to be remembered... Over time the world can, rob us of that swing... It get buried inside us under all our wouldas and couldas and shouldas... Some folk even forget what their swing was like..."
"Maybe you thought you were just gonna sashay out onto that green. And the old hero of Savannah just reappear all by itself. Don't work that way is all. The Junuh you was, you ain't never gonna be again, ever."
"Put your eyes on Bobby Jones... Look at his practice swing, almost like he's searchin for something... Then he finds it... Watch how he settle hisself right into th emiddle of it, feel that focus... He got a lot of shots he could choose from... Duffs and tops and skulls, there's only ONE shot that's in perfect harmony with the feild... One shot that's his, authentic shot, and that shot is gonna choose him... There's a perfect shot out there tryin' to find each and every one of us... All we got to do is get ourselves out of its way, to let it choose us... Can't see that flag as some dragon you got to slay... You got to look with soft eyes... See the place where the tides and the seasons and the turnin' of the Earth, all come together... where everything that is, becomes one... You got to seek that place with your soul Junuh... Seek it with your hands don't think about it... Feel it... Your hands is wiser than your head ever gonna be..."
Its important to master the skill of being able to "stop thinking without falling asleep."
Bagger Vance: What I'm talkin about is a game... A game that can't be won only played...
Rannulph Junuh: You don't understand...
Bagger Vance: I don't need to understand... Ain't a soul on this entire earth ain't got a burden to carry he don't understand, you ain't alone in that... But you been carryin' this one long enough... Time to go on... lay it down...
Rannulph Junuh: I don't know how...
Bagger Vance: You got a choice... You can stop... Or you can start...
Rannulph Junuh: Start?
Bagger Vance: Walkin...
Rannulph Junuh: Where?
Bagger Vance: Right back to wehre you always been... and then stand there... Still... real still... And remember...
Rannulph Junuh: It's too long ago...
Bagger Vance: Oh no sir it was just a moment ago... Time for you to come on out the shadows Junuh... Time for you to choose...
Rannulph Junuh: I can't...
Bagger Vance: Yes you can... but you ain't alone... I"m right here with ya... I've been here all along... Now play the game... Your game... The one that only you was meant to play... Then one that was given to you when you come into this world... You ready?... Stike that ball Junuh don't hold nothin back give it everything... Now's the time... Let yourself remember... Remember YOUR swing... That's right Junuh, settle yourself... Let's go... Now is the time, Junuh...
Even when it looks like being honest will hurt your chances of success, its always the right thing to do. Always be honest.

Proof

2009-11-09T04:42:00.000-08:00

Posts to this blog have been delayed.
This post should have been published Friday November 6 2009.

When 2009 started, I had just survived a long and grave illness and everything in my life was changing. And I was walking into that change in the best head space I have ever been in in my entire life. I was confident. I was proud of who I was. I was sure of my own worth.

Various things have whittled a lot of that away over the past 10 months. And today I had a little bit of revelation where I realized that that was what had happened--when all revelations occur (in the middle of the night).

And then I had an idea about how to get back to that head space: When you apply for a job, you have, at the very least, a resume. Sometimes you have a portfolio.

Well I think that is what I need for my life. I think I need to carry a black case around under my arm with my proof* in it. Proof* that I am worthwhile, proof* that I can handle what life brings me, proof* that I deserve happiness.

So that is my recommendation today. If you struggle with feeling worthy of happiness, start putting together your happiness worth portfolio. Assemble the proof* of your fine qualities, your accomplishments (outside of your career), the gifts you bring to others, etc.

You could start small if you are intimidated by the size of the portfolio project. You could try a happiness worth resume. But give it a shot.

(If I was undertaking this project on behalf of a friend, I would have no trouble assembling endless examples, pages of proof*. I bet that's true for you and your friends too. Well, now its time to take the skill you would employ to do this for a friend and apply it to yourself. After all, you can't give away what you don't have. And I think it would add to everyone's happiness if I had, if I truly possessed an unwavering belief in myself and my worth.

* As you may know, all the posts on this blog are named for songs, ala Grey's Anatomy. Sometimes, as I am writing this blog, the song for the day just comes to me. But today I had to look hard for a relevant song. I stumbled upon to a bit of luck and found three on the soundtrack for the great movie, Proof, starring Anthony Hopkins, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Jake Gyllenhaal. (If you haven't seen this, rush right out. Its deep and definitely a drama, but it has a great message.) So the link to the song that this post is titled after is just a link to the amazon.com page for the soundtrack. In order to listen you will have to scroll down and click to listen. But, to me, its worth it. (I love movie soundtrack music.)

Waiting

2009-11-09T01:53:00.000-08:00

Posts to this blog have been delayed.
This post should have been published Thursday November 5 2009.

Today's post is an anti-happiness post. In the pursuit of happiness, I have run into a few things that definitely get in the way of happiness. It has occurred to me that making note of what they are might help me avoid them in the future.

Waiting, for me, is one of those things. Now don't get me wrong. A little anticipation is great. It can greatly increase happiness.

But anticipation is different from long, dragged out waiting. Most of us have heard the advice that you should never give too much notice when quitting a job. That is the kind of waiting I am talking about. Once something is decided, two weeks is a good time frame. Waiting longer than that can dramatically reduce your happiness. I have been waiting for December 5th (when I move back to Minnesota) since July 5th. That is five months. Which, according to the rule, is four months and two weeks too long. I have spent most of that time in a little bit of an unhappiness funk. And I fully blame waiting. Living in limbo, having decided to move but being forced--even by your own hand--to stay somewhere you have already decided to leave, longing for somewhere else, is just plain miserable.

So today's happiness tip is to avoid long, dragged out waiting if at all possible. Move quickly once you've decided. I swear it will boost your happiness.

And I say this with great authority, because Dr. Seuss, perhaps the greatest wise man who ever lived agrees with me:

"You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!"
- Oh, The Places You'll Go!

Seasons of Love

2009-11-04T19:52:00.000-08:00

On my The Happiness Project, every Wednesday is music day.

This song moved me the first moment I heard it and it never stops affecting me. There are a small handful of things in the world that remind of what is important in life and this is one of them.

Here's the whole list:

How about you? Is there music in your life that gives your perspective and makes you wise?

Can't Get It Right Today

2009-11-03T10:56:00.000-08:00

From time to time, a day goes bad and I sit, staring off into space, realizing the day is totally ruined and wondering what I can do to rescue it.

What about you? Do you have a list of ways to make things better when you just can't get it right today?

One of the things I have learned is that there may be a universal theme to all my bad days. It may be that on every day that goes wrong, I am focused externally.

Different people have different personalities. And so different people need different medicine. If you are an internally focused person, you have to be reminded to think of others. If you are an externally focused person, you have to be reminded to think of yourself.

I have a sneaking suspicion that on all the really bad days, I have dislocated my self and the things that help those bad days be better is when someone pops my self back into place like popping a dislocated shoulder back into place. ( And then you have to wear your arm in a sling for awhile, because once you dislocate it, its easy for it to fall out of joint again.)

I am not sure how to pop my dislocated self back into place, though. I wish I knew.

Here is my partial list of not very effective Bad Day Rescue methods:

Go to sleep for the night. If its late enough, the simplest solution is to start over in the morning. Often a good night's sleep will fix things all by itself.
Accomplish a task on your to-do list that has been nagging at you.
Award gold stars for tasks accomplished...go back a couple of days, be generous with yourself.
Acknowledge the bad day--sometimes acknowledging a problem helps.
Watch an uplifting movie--something that causes you to have positive emotions. I recommend Blind Side, Julie & Julia, or Day After Tomorrow.
Listen to upbeat music--something that you associate with an "up" time in the past.
Try and identify the source of the bad day and solve that particular problem (I credit Gretchen Rubin with this one).
Take a shower, put on nice clothes, do your hair in the most high maintenance way you can, wear make-up, perfume, and jewelry and meet someone for coffee.
Hang out with a friend, preferably over some good food.
Fill the room with candles.
Take a candlelit bath, playing relaxing music--I recommend the Bach Cello Suite #1 in G Major, Pachelbel's Canon, Cassidy's Vide Cor Meum*, Gabriel Fauré's Requiem , Op. 48, (In Paradisum), Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, Debussy's Clair de Lune, and Bach's Air on a G String.
Have a good therapist in reserve and go see them, immediately.
Do the opposite of what you feel like doing.
Exercise hard to fast and loud music.
Do some very sensory--like eat spicy food, do hot yoga, or visit a flower shop and smell all the flowers.
Certainly and without a doubt, get out of the house as soon as possible.
This one is only gonna help a small group of people, but if you are one of them: make a calendar, plan something. For me, the actual task of drawing a calendar on big paper, filling in events, making a countdown to something, is soothing. And for people like me, a plan always makes me feel better.
Listening to the songs that give me perspective.
Listening to songs that make me happy, such as Get Happy (you have to watch the video for this one.)
Reading this article on ways to lift your mood.

* This is a beautiful piece of music, translated "See My Heart". See this page for general information about the piece and this page for information about the lyrics.

Big Girls Don't Cry

2009-11-01T14:38:00.000-08:00

Every Sunday at my The Happiness Project, is quote day.

Today's quote interests me. As a classic over-thinker, its intriguing to me to consider that part of the difficulty I face sometimes could be my approach to problems.

"Women are twice as likely to suffer depression as men are, because on the average they think about problems in ways that amplify depression. Men tend to act rather than reflect, but women tend to contemplate their depression, mulling it over and over, trying to analyze it and determine its source."
- Martin Seligman, Learned Optimism

So maybe we should all give the example of boys and set reflection aside from time to time. Maybe that's what the old song means: Big Girls Don't Cry. So today, I add to my list of strategies to, from time to act first and think later. Given that I am so given to endless analysis, perhaps the resolution to act first and think later will bring balance...and maybe happiness.

Accentuate the Positive

2009-10-31T18:02:00.000-07:00

Every Saturday at my The Happiness Project is resource recommendation day.

I find that there is a lot of good advice out there that can help increase my happiness. One of the most recent sources of information I have fallen in love with is from The Positivity Blog. In particular today, I read two great posts:

This blog is a treasure trove of tips: easy to read, wise, and broken down into easy-to-implement suggestions. So surf on over and accentuate the positive in your life (and in your pursuit of happiness.)

Miss Halfway

2009-10-30T18:34:00.000-07:00

Today's tip to increase happiness is courtesy of a woman I went to grad school with, Mary Lind. Once she told me that instead of trying to diligently and comprehensively clean my wreck of an apartment--an intimidating task--I should start by creating one little corner of beauty.

This is one of the truest and most effective pieces of advice I have ever gotten. It is miraculous in cleaning or organizing situations. But I find it transferrable to almost all intimidating or overwhelming situations--work projects, personal goals, etc.

Perhaps, like me, you often let "perfect" become the enemy of "good". (I am so guilty of that!) But Mary's sage advice says, "the whole thing doesn't need to be perfect. Just make one corner of beauty. Start there." And I swear, it works every time. Most of the time, making one corner of beauty and order gives me just enough motivation to keep going and soon the whole place is lovely. But even if I stop with one corner of beauty, my happiness increases exponentially. And isn't that the point?

So today, I challenge you to give up perfection. Make just one corner of beauty. Become Miss Halfway.

All Will Be Well

2009-10-29T22:21:00.000-07:00

So things in my life have been very dark of late. But the other day, everything turned around. That same day, I watched, for the first time, the movie The Legend of Bagger Vance.

I have to say, I credit The Legend of Bagger Vance with the turnaround.

First of all, Robert Redford is both one of my favorite actors and one of my favorite directors. I love the vision of life that he brings to the screen when he directs. This film is perhaps my favorite that he has directed. I love what the movie says about the true nature of a person and their gift. Mostly I love the line, "You can't make that ball go in that hole, you got to let it."

That line embodies a truth about life, in my opinion.

And man, is that a hard lesson to learn!

But I think learning it, and even any efforts made to try and learn it contribute in a big way to my happiness. Learning it, for me, is to try and master the balance between being fully present and fully letting go. To try and both center myself and then trust myself. To pour myself completely into what I do and, at that same time, release all control and completely believe that all will be well.

How about you? Can Will Smith's words in the clip below help you find that balance for yourself? Can they help you find happiness?

Wise Up

2009-10-28T05:42:00.000-07:00

On my The Happiness Project, every Wednesday is music day.

I have a kind of weird problem. I prefer to think of others than to think of myself. I prefer to take care of others rather than take care of myself.

It may not sound like much of a problem. But it is.

Because its what I prefer, because its what feels good, I am often 9 months down a very bad road of self-neglect and bad priorities before I even realize that something is wrong. Taking care of others first never looks like a bad idea. When I look at the mirror at the end of the day, it always seems like I have done well that day if I have taken care of others first. That's how months and years can go by without me noticing that my own reservoir is bone dry.

And for me, its not like the oil light comes on. I usually have spend a couple of months being miserable before I even start to try and figure out what I've done wrong. And then it often takes more than a week of soul-searching before I realize the degree of self-neglect I am suffering and that selflessness is the problem that is grinding my heart into hamburger and making small problems seem insurmountable. It takes me a long to identify the problem.

Its been like that lately. Dark, dark days. Long, sleepless nights.

And then I was picking today's song. Its music day and I was drawn to Amy Grant's Wise Up and was copying the lyrics for this post. I wondered to myself what I needed to wise up about...why this song appealed to me so much today.

"Better wise up.
Better think twice.
Never leave room for compromise.
You better wise up.
Better get smart.
And use your head to guard your heart.
It's gonna get rough,
So you better wise up."

And then it hit me. I needed to wise up about my own self. My own priorities. Again.

How about you? What lessons does it seem you keep having to learn over and over again? Would keeping a list of these lessons and reviewing it from time to time save you some heartache? Would it increase your happiness? In other words, how can you "wise up" today?

I Dreamed A Dream

2009-10-28T05:33:00.000-07:00

Its hard to be unhappy when watching this video of a woman defying all expectations. I get goosebumps every time I watch it. The look on Simon's face alone is worth it. As they said when I was growing up: "and the crowd goes wild."

Put this in your box of ways to make a sad day happy.

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

2009-10-26T17:14:00.000-07:00

I don't like fall.

Most people love fall. They think its beautiful. And all I can think of as the leaves catch fire with the season is that they are dying. It seems horrific to me, all these people enjoying the beauty when its actually death they are watching.

But most people love fall. There is clearly something wrong with me.

Also, fall hasn't been kind to me of late. First there was the fall of losing my job, then the fall of having a job I hated, then the fall of being in the hospital and almost dying, and now a fall of heartbreak and more health problems.

So when the air fills with the smell of composting leaves, my heart tenses a little. I think, "what will I lose this time during these months where there is less and less light every day?"

By the way, I think its funny that its not winter I hate. But as I have mentioned, when winter first arrives, its Christmas. By the time winter is in full swing, the light has already started to come back. And at least you know you are already in the worst of it. From there, it can only get better as each day passes.

Not fall. Fall is a slow, inexorable slide toward darkness and death. Winter is its only cure.

So this has been a hard season.

Each day has been hard.

When I first started this happiness project--not even a month ag0--my goal was to increase the amount of happiness in my already very happy life. Since then, a few things have fallen apart and my happiness project has become about searching blindly for any happiness I can think of just to get to zero, just to get to even, each day. Not what I had in mind.

But lately, I wonder if things aren't beginning to turn around. Because each day, lately, the universe seems to give me a gift, out of the blue.

Today, my gift was coming upon my favorite episode ("The Man in the Fallout Shelter") of Bones, a show I love. The episode is below, but I suggest skipping right to 24 minutes in. At that point in the episode, the quarantined cast get visits from their families at Christmas and Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas by Tori Amos plays as they put their hand to the glass that separates them. And no one can be unhappy watching this scene.

This happened two days in a row (the universe bringing me an unexpected gift that dramatically increased my happiness). So as I write, I think maybe I should go through each day, looking for the universe's gift ("What you see depends mainly on what you look for."- Sir John Lubbock).

How about you? What can you look for today that will increase your happiness?

Love Is All Around

2009-10-21T18:40:00.000-07:00

On my The Happiness Project, every Wednesday is music day.

Today's song came to me yesterday and boy is it PERFECT! I am about to move to Minnesota and so not only will I soon be just like Mary Tyler Moore, looking at the Minneapolis freeway signs with a smile of wonder on my face (seeing her do this makes me both eager and happy), but I also grew up in the Twin Cities when The Mary Tyler Moore Show was being filmed and so I remember all the landmarks from this video. The walk down memory alone makes me happy.

What about you? Is there a song that makes you feel like you can conquer the world? A song that makes you braver having heard it?

Blue Suede Shoes

2009-10-21T18:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes happiness is simpler than I think. I am forever trying new practices, routines, daily rituals. But today I was reminded of a simple little thing that makes a gigantic difference.

I have been having a rough time lately. There are times each day, of late, when the blues engulf me. Today I was drowning in the blues when it was time to teach class. But I forced myself to get up and take a shower, and as I was trying to figure out what to wear, I felt so unhappy that I reached for the most comforting thing I owned that was clean:

a pair of skinny jeans
a white oxford
a pair of loafers

And all of a sudden, it was 1984 again, and my mood lifted completely. The things that have been making me sad were all still there, but I walked through the rest of my day with a skip in my step and a smile on my face. It was as if those clothes became my talisman against the blues. Those clothes made me happy.

Of course I noticed this change. And I started thinking about why those clothes made me so happy. In my case, those clothes represent a bygone era when my life was simple and good. It also happens to be an era where the clothes that suit my soul were in style.

And as I sit here now, writing, I wonder, if those clothes made me so happy, why I don't have a closet full of skinny jeans and white oxfords and loafers? What does fashion matter when happiness can be so easily attained?

So I vow today to fill my closet with these happiness-making outfits. Seems like such an easy fix.

What about you? Are there clothes that make you happy when you put them on? Is it a pair of old sweats? Is it the latest from the Paris runways? Is it a certain color? Do you have a pair of blue suede shoes that starts your toes tapping? If so, can you spend more time in those items and less time in clothes that don't make you happy?

Is it time to take everything out of your closet and try it all on, measure your mood when the clothes are on your body? Is it feasible to donate the unhappiness-making items to the Goodwill and move all the happiness-making items to the front of your closet?

Its true, sometimes life won't let us always wear the clothes that make us happy, but when you get the chance, its good to know which pieces are instant mood lifters. What, in your closet, makes you happy?

Fixing A Hole

2009-10-20T18:30:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get lost?

I. Get. Lost.

I don't mean in the car. (I have an uncanny sense of direction when driving.) I mean *I* get lost. I lose my self.

And let me tell you, there is no finding happiness when you can't find your self.

Luckily, I have a collection of...maps.

Today's map of choice for finding my self again was movies. (No shock there if you know me.) There are a handful of movies that bring me back to myself, that center me, that remind me of who I am when I have forgotten.

It usually takes a very bad day to drive me to the maps. (Although I rarely realize I have lost my self until I have come back to my self again.) Fortunately, I always instinctively reach for these movies on the very bad days.

Today was one of those days. Awful. Grumpy. Dark. Despairing of ever having a good day again. I reached for Someone Like You, and ninety-seven minutes later, I was back. The world had righted itself and I could see the possibly of happy future once again. I had found my true self.

How about you? Do you have some things you have collected that you can do when the days are bad? Do they bring you back to yourself? Do you they help you when you need to be fixing a hole where the rain gets in? Do they return the possibility of happiness to your day? Maybe its time to start building your collection of maps.

The Bright Side of the Road

2009-10-19T06:47:00.000-07:00

Today's happiness recommendation is for things that aren't happy. Things that haven't gone well. Jobs you've lost, relationships that have ended, friendships now ruined, etc.

Being happy in the face of endings, losses, and conflict is the ultimate challenge. For me personally, I don't have a lot of long term tolerance for just sitting in the pain and regret of loss and taking it. Studies show its important to do that. To not skip feeling the pain. And I agree. You do feel better sooner if you don't skip feeling the bad stuff. You have to feel it to get through it. The only way out is through. But for me, I need to feel the pain in shorter spurts. Sitting in the pain long term doesn't do good things for me. It doesn't promote my happiness.

One thing that does help, in the midst of all the pain, is to find the good in what happened. To move "from the dark end of the street to the bright side of the road."

So I make lists. I sit down and think about all the good things I got from the job I lost or the relationship that ended or the friendship that was ruined. Despite all the pain, the list is always long and it is a balm to my heart.

Give it try. Take a walk on the bright side--the happy side--today.

Ain't No Easy Way

2009-10-18T05:13:00.000-07:00

Every Sunday at my The Happiness Project, is quote day.

In keeping with the tradition of this blog and of Grey's Anatomy, each post I write is titled for a song. Today's quote reminded me that sometimes adding happiness to your life necessitates removing some things from your life. It doesn't just mean the adding of habits and rituals, but it can mean the cleansing of some piles of clutter, bad habits, and thought patterns. That's sometimes harder than adding things. Hard. Not easy.

That, of course, reminded me of the great song from a montage in the film The Guardian. A great movie and a great song. You can listen to Ain't No Easy Way by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club while you read today's quote:

“If you want a cup of hot tea, you must first empty the cup.”
- Ancient Chinese saying

Step Into Christmas

2009-10-17T06:26:00.000-07:00

I admit it. I am one of those people. I love Christmas.

I love Christmas music. I love it when the Christmas decorations go up early. I'm the person you complain about.

Let me be clear, though. When I say I love Christmas, I probably don't mean what you think I mean. I don't love the shopping. I don't attend church. I actually don't even mean that I love the gift exchange.

The thing I love about Christmas is the season itself. I love that for a month or two the entire nation is transformed into a small town. We wish one another "happy holidays" over cash registers as though we were friends. We stand, together, strangers, grinning at the pretty lights or the window displays. As the light disappears each day, we become a little more childlike, a little kinder, remembering the world before we had jobs, paid bills, faced real problems--a world where your biggest worry was what Santa would bring you Christmas morning. Where the only list you knew about was the one marked Naughty and Nice.

But my most favorite thing about Christmas is that we all willingly participate in a wonderful conspiracy. We become jolly liars. We speak to children we don't even know, asking what they want Santa to bring them for Christmas, secretly winking at their parents, all of us smiling, remembering what it was like to still believe.
I love that we do that. That we all participate in making a bit of magic for all the children around us.

I wish we did that more.

By way of background, I'm from Minnesota and I hate the cold weather. I think that perhaps the only reason I can stand the winter is that for the first two months of it, its Christmas. I don't notice the cold when everything is draped in lights and music wafts from warm, good-smelling stores.

I think I wouldn't mind the winter at all if there was a magical holiday like Christmas in January and February and again in March and April. A holiday where we got out the lights we only use once a year, the china we only use once a year, the music we only listen to once a year.

I think that is some of the magic of Christmas--the rareness of it all. It has a season. And we enjoy it while its with us and then we put it away.

And I was thinking about the traditions and rituals of Christmas, I began thinking that that is what's wrong with the rest of our lives--with my life in particular. During Christmas, I slow down, I notice the lights, I close my eyes and bask in the smell of evergreens, I sink into the couch, pulling a blanket around me and just sit still, not accomplishing anything, only listening to the Christmas carols. The season gives me permission to do that. I have to savor it, because soon it will be gone.

I think my life would be drastically improved if every day of my life were a part of such a season. If I approached every moment the way I approach Christmas. I would be much happier.

So, today my recommendation is to step into Christmas.

I know. Its not even Halloween. But go to any store and you will see its not too early to start savoring the season. And by the time Christmas is over this year, maybe I will have named a new season that will come with its own rituals and traditions, allowing me to cherish each moment, even in January when the winter is longest and spring seems so far away.

So I suggest you give it a try today. What is magical about Christmas to you? What helps you slow down and savor the moment? For me, one of the easiest ways to step into Christmas is those evergreen scented tea lights they sell at Target. They make the whole house smell like magic. Can you do something small like that? Can you take one small step into Christmas? Into happiness?

songs

2009-10-16T17:54:00.000-07:00

So even when you are doing a happiness project, you are not immune to having a bad day.

And sometimes, the best advice for dealing with bad things is to go to bed. Sleep will often change your perspective. And as it has been said, "Tomorrow is another day."

* * *

By the way, since today's suggestion is short and sweet, I thought it might help if I threw in another. When you are having a spectacularly bad day, sometimes a soundtrack is needed in order to survive. Here's mine:

Obviously, topping the list is the title for this post: Bad Day by Daniel Powter--by the way, a GREAT video.
The Chain by Ingrid Michaelson
Lullaby by Shawn Mullins
Can't Get It Right Today by Joe Purdy
I Wonder by Chris Isaak
The Water is Wide by Karla Bonoff
Come to Jesus by Chris Rice (I'm sort of an atheist, but I was raised as a southern baptist and am a pastor's daughter and there is something about religious music that always comforts me.)

How about you? Do you have a soundtrack for your bad days? Is it time to make one?

New Shoes

2009-10-15T18:28:00.000-07:00

I love to rearrange furniture.

My mom taught me this. She too loves to rearrange furniture and we did it a lot when I was growing up. Monthly? I think so. Sometimes, as a grown up, I have rearranged my furniture every two weeks for months at a time.

For me, when I rearrange the furniture, I am made happy. All of sudden, everything seems new and hopeful. I clean as I rearrange, so everything is fresh. Everything is clean and in a new place. Everything looks different. For me new places, new spaces give me hope. It gives me hope that it can be different. That I can make it different. Its a metaphor for the change I want to bring into my life. It gives me a new perspective and hope and energy. And it works every time.

Now you, on the other hand, I am betting you don't rearrange the furniture that often. Few people do.

But I bet you have something you do that has the same effect on you. Is it putting away the winter clothes? Getting a hair cut? Painting a room? Switching the dishes you use? New shoes?

Well I would recommend doing it today. When I rearrange I get that new shoes happiness buzz. You should get it too. Change one little thing and everything changes.

Give it a try.

I Can See Clearly Now

2009-10-13T11:23:00.000-07:00

As I have mentioned before, I am influenced pretty strongly by the midwestern protestant work ethic with which I was raised. So, for a good chunk of my adult life, I was all about accomplishing things, and not so much about enjoying them. I was saving the world and it was a 24/7/365 gig.

And then a couple of things changed. I became gravely ill, spent almost a month in a hospital, received a rare diagnosis and have a couple of lasting effects on my health from that time.

Being seriously ill altered my perspective in almost every way. I felt like a different person when I got out of the hospital. I didn't see anything in the same way I had before. In the months that followed, I changed lots of things about my life. Almost nothing is the same. And I am leaps and bounds happier.

One of my favorite changes I made immediately is that I started a daily practice. I take a picture every day.

The practice of taking a picture every day has resulted in me walking through my days a little differently. I can see clearly now. And I notice the little things. I notice the small patches of beauty. I notice the beautiful sunset. I notice a budding flower. I notice how each day the season advances. And now, I take pictures of all of it.

The mere act of noticing the world around me has made me much happier. I recommend giving it a try. A picture a day. And increased happiness with each snapshot.

Rebuilding Serenity

2009-10-11T09:29:00.000-07:00

Every Sunday at my The Happiness Project, is quote day.

In keeping with the tradition of this blog and of Grey's Anatomy, each post I write is titled for a song. Today's quote reminded me of the ship Serenity going through a battle and then being re-built and setting out anew. You can listen to Rebuilding Serenity as you read.

"Carolyn Myss, the medical intuitive who writes and lectures about why people don't heal, flew to Russia a few years ago to give some lectures. Everything that could go wrong did: flights were canceled or overbooked, connections missed, her reserved room at the hotel given to someone else. She kept trying to be a good sport, but finally, two mornings later, on the train to her conference on healing, she began to whine at the man sitting beside her about how infuriating her journey had been thus far. It turned out that this man worked for the Dalai Lama. And he said – gently - that they believe when a lot of things start going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born - and that this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born as perfectly as possible."
- Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies

Oh How The Years Go By

2009-10-10T10:32:00.000-07:00

Every Saturday at my The Happiness Project is resource recommendation day.

I love the things Gretchen Rubin creates. I love her The Happiness Project blog. It inspires me every day. I love that she made herself twelve personal commandments. I love so many things she has written, published, shared.

But perhaps the thing I love most that Gretchen Rubin has created is a little movie called The Years Are Short.

I heartily recommend watching it, often. For me, it re-aligns my priorities. It reminds me in the hectic day to day-ness of my life of oh how the years go by. It reminds me to put first the things in life that actually do make me happy in the long run. Enjoy!

I Will Remember You

2009-10-09T14:07:00.000-07:00

I have gathered, over the past nine plus months, a few daily rituals that increase my happiness. I think they do that because they cause me to stop, even for only five minutes and experience my life, rather than simply rushing through it, accomplishing things. Below is one of these rituals, taken from my Serendipity blog. If it appeals to you, add it to your daily routine and see if your happiness increases.

I think one of the big reasons this practice appeals to me is that when I was an undergraduate, taking a course at Portland State called Women and Writing, one day the professor started class with a freewrite exercise. She told us that we had been awoken in the middle of the night and told that in ten minutes a futuristic kind of police would arrive at our home and whatever we hadn't written down would be lost forever, erased from our minds.

Well, I have excellent suspension of disbelief and I wrote furiously for the ten minutes we were given. I remained a little worried about all the things I hadn't gotten a chance to write down during the exercise. Still am a little worried, if truth be told. So today's recommendation is a balm to that anxiety and a reminder that there are so many precious things that I, at least, just let slide by, without savoring them. And a vow that "I will remember you."

On Twitter, many folks use hashtags in their updates. This summer, I saw one I was curious about. Reading the real-time results for the hashtage #iwillneverforget, I was inspired to track something I will never forget each day.

This isn't exactly new for me. Already, every day, I update a blog post I create for each month (for instance "September 2009 Gratefuls") with the list of things I am grateful for each day. So I love a "daily addition to a blog post" ritual. This (#iwillneverforget) seemed like a particularly fun one to do. This is my third month of doing this daily posting. I did it in August 2009 and September 2009 as well. Look for a new addition to this October 2009 list each day.

Relax

2009-10-08T06:51:00.000-07:00

This suggestion will probably only resonate with you (and bring you additional happiness) if, like me, you were raised in the midwest where the protestant work ethic reigns supreme. It will also hit home for you if you were raised by workaholics, or if you were raised to believe that working hard has some sort of religious significance. (You know like cleanliness is next to godliness, well hard work is too.) Even folks raised with the saying "hard work is its own reward" (I totally believe this is true, which shows how thoroughly I have drunk the "hard work" kool-aid) may find this suggestion helpful.

I fall into all the above categories. And that has resulted in many personal thought patterns and beliefs. But one I have noticed that gets in the way of my happiness a lot is that, in my head, I think I should always be working. If there is some tiny (or huge) task that is undone, the critic, the slavedriver in my head won't let me rest until it is done.

But here's the thing. The slavedriver in my head yelling at me (don't worry, no voices) isn't the best way to get something done. Because I also have an inner rebel. There is a part of me, that when TOLD to do something, rebels.

This is not a good combo: the slavedriver and the rebel. Makes for a lot of lying on the couch watching Law and Order episodes you have already seen five times.

But I have found a secret! A way to quiet both the slavedriver and the rebel. Here it is: (are you ready?)

Wait for motivation.

I know. Its anticlimactic. But try it. It works! I'll explain:

Let's say you have a table in your house and that table is covered with paper you need to sort and file, mail to open, a bag of stuff from Target that needs to be put away, a jacket you need to hang up, some work you need to do...you see what I mean.

And let's say you are sitting on the couch, watching Grey's Anatomy episodes you have seen at least three times already and in the back of your head, you feel guilty about not cleaning up the table. You can feel the self-reproach as you look at the table. But the guilt only drives you to watch more episodes of Grey's Anatomy. You are locked in an epic struggle between your inner slavedriver and your rebel.

The solution? Give up. Call a truce.

How do you do that? Announce that you will clean up the table when you feel like cleaning up the table. You will only take action when you feel the inner motivation to do so. When cleaning up the table sounds like fun. When you can't wait to do it. But not a moment before then.

I promise you that the inner motivation will come. And I promise that, at that time, cleaning up the table will be easy and quick and fun and you will feel genuinely, 100% glad that you did it.

Give it a try. Relax. Trust yourself. You can be trusted to do the work. You don't need a slavedriver. And without a slavedriver, the rebel is out of a job.

When I can pull this off, it has increased my happiness exponentially.

Lullaby

2009-10-07T06:12:00.000-07:00

On my The Happiness Project, every Wednesday is music day.

One of the things I have noticed is how instantly music can transform my mood. So every Wednesday, I will be recommending a song that makes me happy. Maybe the reasons it makes me happy will coax you to look through your music collection and find the songs that bring two and half minutes of happiness into your day. String enough of them together and you've got a pretty good day.

Shawn Mullins - Lullaby

I have loved this song from the moment I heard it. First of all, my whole life, I have just been looking for someone to tell me that everything will be all right. You wouldn't believe how hard that is to find. I love that it is now available in handy song form. So convenient for traveling.

Also, this song has a very comforting effect on me. It is fitting that it is named "Lullaby". It certainly calms me no matter how bad things are.

What about you? What songs are a comfort to you? What songs tell you what you have always wanted to hear?

Stay Home

2009-10-07T06:00:00.000-07:00

I actually have been diagnosed with a severe kidney infection, so this post is a day late.
It was the post for Tuesday October 6 2009.

I have to say, this is the hardest recommendation I have made yet. I was raised to be a worker. And I stumble into workaholism easily. Working is easy for me. Not working is hard.

But I swear to god this one works. Here it is: when you don't feel well, rest. Stay home. Take the whole day off. Cancel everything. Get in bed, sleep. Or get in bed and watch movies. But lay down for the whole day. When you feel sleepy, go to sleep. Even if you sleep all day.

This feels like sacrilege to write. I feel like I am telling you to be lazy. And to be fair, I am. But its for a good cause! My parents taught me that hard word can fix anything. But it can't fix being sick. Only resting fixes being sick. So throw yourself into it. Go to extremes. You won't believe how much faster you get better.

And I mean this, not only when you obviously can't move and have to stay in bed, but when you feel just a little sick. When you just have a cold. First of all, do the world a favor and don't go to work, spreading your cold to your poor colleagues. Stay home. Second of all, I guarantee you that the cold will be gone much more quickly if you stay home, rest, and really take of yourself.

Take this to extremes! You can't rest enough when you don't feel well. It works. Plus, if you are anything like me, you will be so bored by resting, that when you feel better, you will be ready to conquer the world.

Take the "rest when sick" challenge! Can you do it? Its really hard! But being sick is a huge happiness damper. So on some occasions--like being sick--the quickest route to happiness is to rest. Think of how happy you will be when you don't have to rest anymore.

Come What May

2009-10-06T08:39:00.000-07:00

I actually have been diagnosed with a severe kidney infection, so this post is a day late.
It was the post for Monday October 5 2009.

The practice I am recommending today to increase happiness is about anxiety.

I currently have a situation in my life that is producing a lot of anxiety for me. I asked my friend Elizabeth for advice and got a great gem back! She recommended that I dive into the worst possible outcome for the situation I was worried about.

Of course, when you are anxious about something, it is the worst that you fear. But I found that she was totally right! When I sat down and actually planned it out, as tho the worst was going to happen, I felt better. My anxiety lessened, my happiness increased, and I was back in a position of power. That is, I was able to take action in an arena I had been feeling powerless in, come what may.

So, if you are struggling today, far from happiness, stuck in anxiety, I recommend facing the anxiety head on, sketching out the worst possible outcome and planning for that.

For me, as a dyed-in-the-wool planner and office-supply-nut, I actually got out some big paper, made a time line of the worst possible outcome, brainstormed specific coping strategies and then set some goals and dreamed some dreams for what I would do when everything fell apart. And wala! It made me feel in control, like the situation's outcome was back in my hands. It made me feel much less anxious...and more happy. Thanks Elizabeth!

The Power Inside of Me

2009-10-04T17:01:00.000-07:00

Every Sunday at my The Happiness Project, is quote day.

In keeping with the tradition of this blog and of Grey's Anatomy, each post I write is titled for a song. Today's quote reminded me of the workout montage in the great movie about choosing happiness, The Mirror Has Two Faces. You can listen to The Power Inside of Me as you read.

"One evening, an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.   He said, 'My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all. One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, greed, and arrogance. The other is Good - It is peace, love, hope, humility, compassion, and faith.'  

The grandson thought about this for a while and then asked his grandfather, 'Which wolf wins?'

To which the old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.' "

One Day At A Time

2009-10-03T07:09:00.000-07:00

Every Saturday at my The Happiness Project is resource recommendation day.

I have had the book 365 Health and Happiness Boosters by M. J. Ryan for so long, its dog-eared corners make it a much fatter book than it started out being. Also, I read it a lot in the bathtub, so many pages are water-stained. It is, for me, a well-loved book and it is my pleasure to highly recommend it to anyone who wants to increase their own happiness, one day at a time.

The book is formatted with an entry or idea for each date. Each idea or practice takes up only one small page and its one of those tiny square books to begin with. I don't love all the ideas in the book, but I love most of them. And a quick read of the day's booster idea is often all I need to get back in the right frame of mind. And as I mentioned, reading the day's booster in a warm bath and then leaning back into the water and thinking it over often cures many an ill.

About The Happiness Project

2009-10-01T04:39:00.000-07:00

As I have said so many times before, I was motivated to start my own blog by Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project blog. I am little bit of a self-improvement nut (always searching out new techniques, perspectives, and practices that will help me be a better person day by day). So when I was inspired by Gretchen's process, which she humorously and wisely shares on her blog, I really wanted to undertake my own. Gretchen describes her process on the first day of her Happiness Project:

Now, what is the Happiness Project? One afternoon a few years ago, I realized with a jolt that I was allowing my life to flash by without facing a critical question: was I happy? From that moment, I couldn’t stop thinking about happiness. Was it mostly a product of temperament? Could I take steps to be happier? What did it even mean to be “happy”? The Happiness Project is my memoir of one year in which I test-drive every principle, tip, theory, and research-study result I can find, from Aristotle to St. Therese to Benjamin Franklin to Martin Seligman to Oprah.What advice actually works?

Originally Gretchen's amazing blog, her writing, her openness about her process, and all the insight she gives inspired me to do a similar blog with a self-improvement slant. I was telling a friend about my plans and was explaining Gretchen's Happiness Project blog and saying, "So I want to do something like that, only about self-improvement, 'cause, you know, happiness isn't really my thing."

I didn't even bat an eye as I said it.

But in the two weeks it took me to start setting up my own blog project, I slowly came to question myself. Why wasn't happiness my thing? Why was I all gung-ho about self-improvement but claimed to have no interest in being happy?

I am pleased to report that I can now say with only slight pangs of feeling a tad selfish, "I want to be happy!" So instead of calling this blog The Improvement Project (which was my original plan), I have decided to follow Gretchen's lead, claim the desire to be happy, and work every day for a year to figure out what increases my happiness.

Like Gretchen, I will follow a schedule. On Sundays, each post will be a quotation that has increased my happiness. On Wednesdays, each post will be a song that has increased my happiness. On Saturdays, each post will be about a resource (a book, a blog) that has increased my happiness. The rest of the days my posts will chronicle my journey to discover the daily life practices and mindsets that increase my happiness. And I will take a page from Grey's Anatomy's book and name each post after a song.

Won't you join me?

About Wende

2009-10-01T04:37:00.000-07:00

I'm Wende.

I started out as a writer who liked to clean out closets. Seriously. When I was five years old, those were my passions. During the intervening 35 plus years I tried to be lots of different things to please lots of different people. But as it turns out, I am really bad at not following my passions...passions like writing and cleaning out closets. After years of trying, unsuccessfully, to be what others wanted me to be, I have finally come to understand that who I innately am is the best gift I can give the world. (And that if I stop fighting my true self and my passions, the world--not to mention several closets--would be a better place.)

Raised in Kansas and Minnesota, my midwestern blood is so strong that not even thirteen years of Portland (Oregon) mist could dilute it. My heart will always belong in the land of humid summers, thunderstorms, tornadoes, blizzards, casseroles, and lime jello with shredded carrots in it. I am from the prairie and if I go too long without being able to see that big sky stretched out to the horizon, my internal compass begins to need more and more frequent adjustments until I have to find the nearest Target (headquartered in Minneapolis), rush in and take deep breaths.

As the daughter of a architect who became a pastor and a university professor, I am the perfect venn diagram of my parent's professions: part girl who is driven to save the world, part girl who loves to create--over and over again--places that feel like home, and part teacher who comes most alive at front of a room full of learners.

For the first 29 years of my life, I was looking for love. And having conducted what felt like an exhaustive search, upon approaching my 30th birthday, I had to call off the Coast Guard and admit defeat on the romance front: lost swimmer.

Career success was the holy grail of my thirties and I was very lucky there. But even the most rewarding occupation is only half a life and after a little over a decade of focused professional achievement, I realized that what I was looking for, you cannot find at the office.

So now I write my own The Happiness Project blog (inspired by Gretchen Rubin, the author who invented the first The Happiness Project blog and encourages others to take one on as well). And as I seek, each day, to find practices and mindsets that increase my own happiness, I place great hope in the famous quote:

"What you see depends mainly on what you look for."
- Sir John Lubbock